woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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