she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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