i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
we're so committed to being not committed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
