if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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