Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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