Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
