genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
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Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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