she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.