all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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