i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
