I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
