So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
