Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
