Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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