If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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