Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
