I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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