If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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