YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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