If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
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she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
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The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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