i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
