my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
