we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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