Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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