my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
