4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So squirting runs in the family.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
