Soap is not a condiment
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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