I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Randomize