Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
