when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
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Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
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SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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