Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
