bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
