Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
