they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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