I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
