I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
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mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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