its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
