I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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