Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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