I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
