she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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