I can feel you judging me through the phone.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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