One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
