So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
