I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize