I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
