More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
