Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
