she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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