i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
