At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think your dad took our porno
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
