my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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