Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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