You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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