hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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