I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
