Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
