I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
