i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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