party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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